I am disappointed. Disappointed about me. What am i doing — fucking nothing. I always believed that i have talents, and so do most of my friends. I know what looks good and what looks bad (speak: Æsthetics) and i know what makes sense and what not (speak: logical and practical layout/interface design). I am not a world class graphic artist and i am not a world class interface designer, that’s for sure, but i am “not bad” in what i am doing. If i do something.

Most time (like 99%) i just pitty myself and struggle with my current life: I am working as a janitor in a hostel & hotel where i have to bring weird computer ideas to life, which my weird boss comes up with. My bank account recieves about 1000 € each month for that. Which is a joke. I work here because there is no other job here on the island where i can do what i like.

Why don’t you move to a big city where you can get a better job? Because i fear failing. Because i fear that my talents are really not that great. I never really had someone (except my friends, but maybe they have no clue - they are not into that stuff) who supported me and helped me believe in myself, so i was the only one who told me that i have talents - and maybe i was wrong all the time.

I am such a terrific selfpittyful sissy. I should be sorry for being such a stinky rose.

 
 
I should quote someone from a different island here, just for my own sake: “In the summer I tend to take a lot of breaks and sit in the sun or go for a walk. I spend a lot of time thinking. Just staring into space and thinking. Does this count as work? Sometimes.”

Coincidence No. 772653: My car just broke down so i brought it to the mechanics. How much for the fix? €850! Big fucking Moose shit! So i decided to let it go. I am back on my bicycle now — And wow, it is great out there…

Anyways, so tonite i was watching my all time favorite tv-series, “Northern Exposure” (the series was nominated for over fifty Emmy Awards and multiple Golden Globe awards), where in one episode, a native Indian called Marilyn Whirlwind tries to make it to her drivers license. So she asks her friend Chris-in-the-morning if he will teach her how to drive, so they go for a spin.

After a few rides with Chris, Marilyn suddenly decides to quit. Steve (while dreaming about what a great freedom it is, to ride the highway on his old harley) is shocked and seems utterly confused. He asks “Why do you want to quit, Marilyn?” Marilyn, a relaxed indian, who never makes much words, but you know, still waters run deep, just says “I miss walking…” — and leaves him baffled.

Why the frick am i writing this to you?

1) In retrospect, i now miss riding my bicycle for the last year, post-mortem so to say, since i had that car. And i so had to write about this funny coincidence, ‘cos coincidences rock. A car is cool if you can hop in and drive to somewhere remote, get a tent out and have a camping trip, but on a small island, i can reach every place by bicycle anyways. Why is everybody having a car around here? This is just an island, not Alaska.

2) I want you to watch Northern Exposure and share the love for it with me! I haven’t met one who loved it as much as i do — yet — but what are the odds, i never met one who liked my favorite band “the Whitlams” either.

Northern Exposure was a quirky, surreal, character-driven Alaskan dramatic comedy television series. It was recognized with a rare pair of consecutive Peabody Awards (and over 50 Emmy nominations) for the show’s “depict in a comedic and often poetic way, the cultural clash between a transplanted New York doctor and the townspeople of Cicely, Alaska” and its stories of how “people of diverse backgrounds and experiences strive to accept their differences and co-exist.”

Critic John Leonard called Northern Exposure “the best of the best television in the past 10 years.